Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.     

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.     

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.     

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.     

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.     

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.     

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.     

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.     

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.